Home > Uncategorized > Either love fantasy football or buy a cat

Either love fantasy football or buy a cat

There are two kinds of men in America, those who love fantasy football and those with whom I prefer not to associate.

The ones who love it … watch shows such as Sons of Anarchy and Breaking Bad. Those who don’t … watch shows such as Glee and anything on ABC.

[picapp align=”left” wrap=”true” link=”term=joey+chestnut&iid=9289190″ src=”http://view2.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/9289190/joey-chestnut-wins-the/joey-chestnut-wins-the.jpg?size=500&imageId=9289190″ width=”234″ height=”342″ /]The ones who love it … think nothing of eating three dozen chicken wings at a time and revere Joey Chestnut (left). Those who don’t … eat poached fish and wouldn’t know Joey Chestnut from a water chestnut.

The ones who love it … own dogs. Those who don’t … own cats or fish tanks.

The ones who love it … don’t have wedding anniversaries in the fall because they never would have gotten married on a football weekend in the first place. Those who don’t … got married when their wives told them they would.

The ones who love it … anticipate the draft like an 8-year-old unleashed in the Sour Patch aisle. Those who don’t … anticipate a draft and put on a sweater. The ones who love it don’t own sweaters. They own one hoodie, maybe two, and they consider it formal wear.

The ones who love it … can tell you their teams’ coordinators. Those who don’t … color coordinate.

The ones who love it … gather at sports bars. Those who don’t … are at Starbucks.

The ones who love it … may obsess about it to the point of shutting out the rest of the world. Those who don’t … can remember that they put a pizza in the oven before it is charred beyond recognition. Then again, theirs probably is a pizza with sun-dried tomatoes or some other such vegetables, so who cares?

The ones who love it … will watch a meaningless game between horrible teams because it involves their No. 2 running back and he needs to score at least 11 points. Those who don’t … will read a book. The ones who love it consider a fantasy football magazine to be a book.

Those who don’t … can chat intelligbly about politics.  The ones who love it … can chat intelligbly about the Wildcat formation.

The ones who love it … like that the lineup in their league has a flex option. Those who don’t … see a flex option as something to do with medical insurance.

The ones who love it … can recite Randall Cunningham’s 1990 statistics and wax poetic about how it won them a championship. Those who don’t … can recite poetry.

So bring me your Sons of Anarchy-watching, Joey Chestnut-loving, dog-owning, married-in-May, Raiders-Chiefs-obsessed, statistically engulfed lunatics. You are my people. I’ll be the big guy in the sports bar wearing a hoodie and pounding a pile of wings fatter than Sam Bradford’s signing bonus.

Lord I can’t wait for my fantasy draft.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Heisenberg
    July 8, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Love it, love it, love it. My favorite graph – “The ones who love it … will watch a meaningless game between horrible teams because it involves their No. 2 running back and he needs to score at least 11 points. Those who don’t … will read a book. The ones who love it consider a fantasy football magazine to be a book.”

    Here’s one you might wanna throw in: Those who love it … keep playing in the same league despite the fact they get ripped for their picks and go .500 or below year in and year out. Those who don’t … have no idea what I’m talking about.

  2. Michael
    July 8, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    Awesome article! This by far sums up the love of fantasy football us real men have. The comparisons in this were great and I couldn’t agree more. It’s like those who love it live in America and play a sport known as FOOTBALL. Those who don’t live in other countries and play a sport called soccer (occasionally referred to as football by the “ones who don’t”).

    Side note: The pounding of three dozen wings is something every guy should partake in and if willing, issue a challenge to me and some buddies. We’ll be sitting with the big guy in the hoodie!

  3. Daniel
    July 9, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Nice shout out to Breaking Bad, which just happens to be the bomb.

    I only have one complaint about fantasy football. Now that it’s become so popular and everybody basically has access to the same information, it’s almost impossible to get an edge unless your playing with some real idiots. Too much of the game is now based on luck, not skill. You could build a phenomenal team only to see it go down in flames in the first round of the playoffs just because the Cardinals receivers and running backs fumbled roughly 82 times on MNF and Kurt Warner got you 2 points. And yes, I’m still bitter.

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