Either love fantasy football or buy a cat
There are two kinds of men in America, those who love fantasy football and those with whom I prefer not to associate.
The ones who love it … watch shows such as Sons of Anarchy and Breaking Bad. Those who don’t … watch shows such as Glee and anything on ABC.
[picapp align=”left” wrap=”true” link=”term=joey+chestnut&iid=9289190″ src=”http://view2.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/9289190/joey-chestnut-wins-the/joey-chestnut-wins-the.jpg?size=500&imageId=9289190″ width=”234″ height=”342″ /]The ones who love it … think nothing of eating three dozen chicken wings at a time and revere Joey Chestnut (left). Those who don’t … eat poached fish and wouldn’t know Joey Chestnut from a water chestnut.
The ones who love it … own dogs. Those who don’t … own cats or fish tanks.
The ones who love it … don’t have wedding anniversaries in the fall because they never would have gotten married on a football weekend in the first place. Those who don’t … got married when their wives told them they would.
The ones who love it … anticipate the draft like an 8-year-old unleashed in the Sour Patch aisle. Those who don’t … anticipate a draft and put on a sweater. The ones who love it don’t own sweaters. They own one hoodie, maybe two, and they consider it formal wear.
The ones who love it … can tell you their teams’ coordinators. Those who don’t … color coordinate.
The ones who love it … gather at sports bars. Those who don’t … are at Starbucks.
The ones who love it … may obsess about it to the point of shutting out the rest of the world. Those who don’t … can remember that they put a pizza in the oven before it is charred beyond recognition. Then again, theirs probably is a pizza with sun-dried tomatoes or some other such vegetables, so who cares?
The ones who love it … will watch a meaningless game between horrible teams because it involves their No. 2 running back and he needs to score at least 11 points. Those who don’t … will read a book. The ones who love it consider a fantasy football magazine to be a book.
Those who don’t … can chat intelligbly about politics. The ones who love it … can chat intelligbly about the Wildcat formation.
The ones who love it … like that the lineup in their league has a flex option. Those who don’t … see a flex option as something to do with medical insurance.
The ones who love it … can recite Randall Cunningham’s 1990 statistics and wax poetic about how it won them a championship. Those who don’t … can recite poetry.
So bring me your Sons of Anarchy-watching, Joey Chestnut-loving, dog-owning, married-in-May, Raiders-Chiefs-obsessed, statistically engulfed lunatics. You are my people. I’ll be the big guy in the sports bar wearing a hoodie and pounding a pile of wings fatter than Sam Bradford’s signing bonus.
Lord I can’t wait for my fantasy draft.